Japanese Algebra ain't tough at all, Capt'n... What is tough is tryin' to squeeze out a "Silent Sam" while yer at the alter in front of a hunnert people gettin' ready to get hitched... That is tough...

I mean, there I was, 19 years old an' standin' at that alter with right at about a hunnert people behind me... Let me repeat that last part... "behind me" and, well, we all know that the Reg Boyz been known to lite a few but lotta folks don't know that my Couzin Rufus is related to the Reg Boyz thru marriage... Yeah seem that his wife, the ever lovely Retha Mae, was a Tompkin girl from Ohio that Rufe met when she was a roller derby queen with the "Yunks-town Honeydrippers"... So Rufe was my best man so he figurated that he should throw me a bachelor party behind the Sweet Spring General Store and so we was up eatin' cheezy pizza and drenkin' Iron City half the night before the big weddin'... Now the Sweet Spring Store closes at 2 o-clock in the mornin' which means no bath rooms... I wakes up about half an hour before Iz 'spozed to be at the church, ain't bathed 'er nuthin' and got bad growlin' sound in my innards...

So I look over at Rufe and he's passed out leanin' up against of the back of the store and I yells, "What time is it" so he check his Spiro T Agnew Time-ex wristwatch and say's, "Time to get to the church, like right now"...

Ten minutes later we at the St Andrews Mission Church where the weddin' 'is sposed to be and I find my bride, who ain't a real happy kinda bride, an she has my suit in the back of the car and so I put it on in the St Andrews port-a-john 'bout as fast as I can, run the church just in time for the organ lady to pound out that weddin' music on the old upright piano...

So there I was at the alter, pissed off bride, tummy gurglin' with a hunnert people, ahhhhh, behind me...

The priest/minister or whatwever the guy was had some kinda speech impediment... No, maybe I had a hearin' impediment... No maybe bvoth of us was impedded, I donno... All I knew is that I had me a severe little southbound situation brewin' that might not make it to the I-do's or I-changed-my-minds part of the deal...

I mean, I was a'squeezin' and a'squeezing 'bout as hard as a 19 year boy could do and my keens was shakin' and my knees was shakin' and my hands sweatin' and, well, folks... There's only about so much squeeze in a 150 pound 19 year old... So what's a guy to do???

We was almost down to the vows where the priest/minister/whatever says "I know pronounce you man and wife" when that little southbound train jumped tracks and decided that he'd be the "main attraction"... Well, first of all, I learned alot in that moment... I learned to never go out the night before a weddin' and get all drunked up on Iron City and eat up with lousy pizza... I learned that Couzin Rufus ain't best-man material fir the bachelor party he gave me behind Sweet Spring General Store... I learned that Iron City and pizza and a hunnert people "behind" you ain't a not good combination... I learned that ya' can't trust a fart no matter how it promises to behave, or in this case, not... And I learned that 19 must be too young to get married... Well, that one is what she said as she and the other hunnert folks were fightin' each other tryin' to evacuate St. Andrews Church... Didja ya'll see the news coverage???

Spawzer... That is fir you buddy... No, it was just one girl outta millions so it don't compare to some of the stuff you and Reg Boyz can get goin' butt, ahhhhhhh, but I thought it was the right story to tell jus'[ knowing that once it got back to ya' that I had "spilled the beans", so to speak, that that would put a fire in yer belly, so to speak, to get yer ass, so to speak, back into gear and get the heck outta that hospital and come hear and kick my ass!!!

Ya' hear???

Ol' hillbilly loves you...

Bobert