I recently recieved this from a Musician freind in Texas, and a fellow Mudcatter to whom I forwarded it suggested that I share it with the community, so here it is. Can any of you relate?
Instructions to the Orchestra: Real Things Said by Real Conductors in Real Rehearsals

*"Please don't use the depth-charge pizzicato."
*"Pianissimo doesn't mean 'Drop the f&@# out.'"
*"Listen to the tune, and then accompany it in a non-disgraceful fashion."
*"Let's see if you can pizzicato together in a non-banjo-like way."
*"It's very hard to raise money for something that sounds like this does."
*"You know, there's a fine line between artistry and shit. Not that what you're doing is shit, but it's close to it."
*"Imagine you're getting enough money for what you do."
*"Not so bright. It sounds like 'Orpheus in His Uderwear.'"
*"Play short, especially if you don't know where you are."
*"That was a drive-by viola solo."
*"Horns, imagine that you've had a really ugly breakfast and it's about to come up."

*"There is a lot of fishing for notes. I wish you would catch them."
*"Strings, I know what you're thinking: 'With all this racket going on, why am I playing?' Well, there's no time for existential questions right now."

*"This must be much more agitated. Think of someone you hate. Think of your mother-in-law."
*"The place where you will be shot if you come in early is the bar before 26." - thanks to Bill Holab
-- Jeffrye Glenn Tveraas
Retro Studios Austin, TX