Alrightey then, Challenge!rs, put on your top hats, tails and tap shoes -- It's time for putting on the Ritz (cracker, that is!):

Bread Does Something To Me
(Tune: You Do Something To Me, with abject apologies to Cole Porter)

Bread does something to me,
Something that makes me feel so squishy,
Yeast has a pull over me,
Watching it rise can hypnotize me.
I'm totally under its spell,
Let dough do that voodoo that dough does so well,
For bread does something to me,
That nobody else can do.

When I cram my thumb into jam,
It's better than any slam, bam, thanks ma'am,
I feel like a full charging ram,
Even though many call me 'Mad Sam',
When I choke a croissant,
I change from depressive to a bon vivant,
For bread does something to me,
That nobody else can do.

(Orchestral bridge with plenty of violins . . . Solo tap dance with single pink cell spot on center stage . . . that's it, step-ball-change, step-ball-change, slide, slide, wash the windows, wash the windows, slow turn tipping top hat and pointing cane to the four corners . . . Orchestra gently flows back into the melody for song . . .)

But when I was caught in the act,
Exposed, I had to face the fact that,
Buns, bread and bagels so fat,
Could bring me too soon to requiescat,
So I've got a new tune,
Playing Elvis in Vegas at weddings 'till noon,
For bread does something to me,
(Orchestra builds...) That nobody else can do!
(Down on one knee, holding top hat and cane out to each side)

Thunderous applause and a standing ovation!!!