You can hear this song at YouTube. I'd love to have help correcting errors and filling in gaps in my transcription:


I'M PROUD OF MY OLD BALD HEAD
Words and music by Charles Collins and Fred Murray, 1911
As sung by Harry Champion.

1. Some fellows when they lose their hair, they fret.
I've not started to worry yet.
I used to have a lovely mop.
Now I've got none on the top.
You'd think with a cranium so bald, catch a dreadful cough.
I sometimes have a job to find out where my face leaves off.
My parting's wide and so am I.
Smack my old bald head and cry:

CHORUS: Hair! Hair! Hair! I've got none on my noddle.
I don't care, as down the streets I toddle.
All the people say, "He's a good old thoroughbred."
I never give a knock. I'm a jolly old cock.
I'm proud of my old bald head.

2. The flies are very fond of it I think.
It makes them a lovely skating rink.
I polish it up with mutton fat.
That's why I never wear a hat.
Kids in the neighbourhood all shout out, "Ain't you looking bare?
It makes you look half naked," but they can't shout out, "There, there!"
The girls all never let me pass.
Makes them a lovely looking-glass. CHORUS.

3. While dining in a restaurant one night,
I stooped and I had such a terrible fright.
A girl stuck in my head a fork.
Thought it looked just like a cork.
Say, as a youngster, lots of water on my brain they found.
My hair fell in and couldn't swim and that's how it got drowned.
A chicken once sat on my thatch.
My old bald head he tried to hatch. CHORUS TWICE.