Since I sobered up in September (1984) I've always been partial to the following text:

Ach, du lieber Augustin,
Slot machine
Run by steam,
Put a nickel in her und Z vot komms out

Octember, Septober,
No vander I'm sober,
If visky doesn't kill me I'll live till I die!

I think I saw it in the Prairie Home Companion songbook?? (Guessing.) But anyhow, I was amazed not to find anything of the sort (not even the "real" lyrics) when I did a Digitrad Lyric search for Augustin.

I'm not sure of all the original lyrics, but I think it's basically something like

Ach, du lieber Augustin, Augustin, Augustin!
Ach, du lieber Augustin, alles ist hin.
Geld ist hin, Weib ist hin, [etwas] ist hin, all' ist hin
Ach, du lieber Augustin, alles ist hin.

The tune is almost identical to "Did you ever see a lassie..."

Liland