If wishes were horses, there'd be an easy explanation for all this horseshit.

It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.

A little nonsense, now and then,
Is relished by the best of men,
But more important, last and first,
A lot is relished by the worst.

All power tends to corrupt; the power conferred by love is an exception only by courtesy.

We can learn a lot about ourselves by studying the lower animals, especially those of our own species.

Take it easy, but take it.

Death before dishonor? Too late, but never mind.

Investing is not the same as gambling, and downtown is not the same as uptown.

None of us is getting any younger, and few of us are getting any soberer.

Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free, but first it shall piss you off beyond belief.

If it moves, fondle it, except porcupines, ball lightning, and policemen.

It is a sin to think evil of others, but not always a mistake.

Whatever is worth doing is worth doing badly.

This is the best of all possible worlds, and everything in it is a necessary evil.

Male and female created He them, far beyond our poor power to add or detract.

Dress for success: Wear a white penis.

I wish I had never been born -- but who has such luck? Not one in ten thousand.

A fatal error! I should live so long!

No human is truly alien, that is, no alien is truly human.

Eat, drink, and be merry, and live to regret it.

If you're not part of the problem, you're part of the precipitate.

We are here on earth to do good to others. What the others are here for, I don't know.

Live each day as if it were your last. Someday you'll be right.

If you can keep your head while all about you are losing theirs, you don't appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.

The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Let no-one deceive you -- except me, of course.

It could have been worse -- it could have been me.

When confused, read the manual, which will give you a good excuse.

Don't worry about what people think of you; they don't do it much.

One can get used to anything, but comfort is easiest.

Sex is filthy. Save it for someone you love.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after tomorrow.

Live each day as if you might not die tomorrow.

Never discuss religion or politics while sober.

It takes a village to have an idiot.

If you have nothing good to say about a person, come, sit by me.

We don't have much time. We'll have to move slowly.