One from Mudcat's own Hipflask Andy:

Not PC
words and music - D.McFarlane

Frustrated at work by the yet another network crash – and having just read through the 'bawdy' chapter in Kennedy's Folk Song Book, what else was I to do with the afternoon? I don't 'do' comedy, but since I included this in my set (as a spoof) it's gone down so well, I get told off when I don't include it. It's become my most requested song - now I find that VERY disturbing!

Not PC:
As I was once a-walking in me place of work one day
I spied a pretty maiden she unto me did say
'If you've the time and trouble then I will have you stand
And help me with me windows, sir for I could use a hand'

She'd quite a case before her, a lovely monitor screen
The contours of her keyboard were the finest I had seen
I leaned to take a closer look, twas then our eyes did meet
Says she 'Why don't you press control and follow with alt/delete'

Well I'm no expert at this lark in fact I'm quite a dunce
But I can spot an opening, need asking only once
No sooner was I next to her she this to me did say
"I hope you've got your caps lock on, press insert right away!"

She bid me tap on enter oh, now guess then what I found
She had me press on home and then page up and then page down
I scanned her user area, I could hardly believe me eyes
She searched right through me files and made me RAM increase in size!

When I plugged in the modem I could tell she was a sport
For she displayed both parallel and also serial port
Says I, I love your bluescreen, yes now that will do the trick
But just to be quite certain gave her mouse a double click

As her new service provider I gave as much as she could take
But I must shift on out of here, log off now, press escape
'For it is getting late' says I and 'I'm half afraid to ask
But can I save this document? It's time to end the task'

Well, the answer that she gave me – oh, it filled me with surprise
'I see you've now a floppy where you once had a hard drive!
But don't erase your memory for me favour you did earn
And I'll be waiting here for you, should ever you return'

I'd opened up her folder, I'd surfed a little while
She'd been desperate for a defrag, her connection I had dialled
We'd scrolled around for hours but now a thought's filled me with fear
I'll have to have a virus check when I get out of here!


This is available on his "Acoustic Recs" CD but he has now installed an upgrade (Version 1.01) in his live sets!

www.duncanmcfarlane.co.uk