I want to hear

1. Good news about people I like.

2. Bad knews about public figures I don't like.

Preferrably in combination. Oh, and I want the bad news to be really good bad news, like Fred Phelps getting caught in a compromising position with an underage male farm animal.

Oh, by the way, my mom's flakey friend Caroline had both breasts removed because of cancer. Then she went to her high school reunion and met a man. In 1993 they moved in together. As far as I know they're still together, and she's still breathing.