This news just in, and it's sad. Shane got arrested yesterday for bank robbery. It seems, though, that it was only a botched April Fools joke on his part. He went to the bank in Massey, presented the teller with a note that read "This is a flippin' robbary! Hand over alls the flippin' cash that you got here, eh? Cos I need to buy some 649 lottary tickets and a case of beer, eh?" He then pulled out a pistol and started waving it around and yelling, "Everybody get down and don't flippin' move! This is a holdup, eh?" Much confusion followed, as it turned out that the local candidate for the Christian Heritage Party was lined up at one of the other tills, and he decided to put the Fear of the Lord into Shane.

I should digress for a moment and explain that the Christian Heritage Party is one of many tiny and inconsequential political parties in Canada who share the stage with the big 4 main parties, but whose existence has no real effect on the outcome. The Christian Heritage Party gets a lot less than 1 per cent of the vote here, but that doesn't stop them from trying, eh? ;-) They manage to field a candidate in most ridings. Their objective is to return society to the glory days of 1000 B.C. or something like that, but I don't think they will ever succeed in attaining that objective.

At any rate, their candidate in the Blind River and Massey area is Joseph Blunder, a retired welder. Joseph is 92 years old, but that doesn't mean he's a weakling. His faith in the Lord has made him strong.

Shane has long made fun of Joseph Blunder and the Christian Heritage Party. He refers to Blunder as "Bible Thumper", and he has written crude and obscene jokes about Blunder on the rear walls of local businesses around the area, including a paint-sprayed cartoon showing Blunder having sex with a moose.

Blunder knows quite well that Shane has no respect for him, for the Lord or for the Christian Heritage Party, and he resents it.

With the light of righteous fury burning madly in his eyes, the incensed novagenarian advanced on Shane, holding forth a cross in his shaking hand and shouting, "Get thee behind me, Imp of Satan!"

Shane's jaw dropped and he turned to face Joseph Blunder. "What the flip are you....? Look, man, this part ain't in the flippin' script, okay? And I ain't gettin' behind you neither. I ain't no flippin' priest, okay, and you ain't no alter boy. This is MY flippin' April Fools joke, not yourn. Back OFF!"

Blunder would not be persuaded. With a silver cross in one hand and a Bible in the other, he moved closer, declaiming in stentorian tones, "AND THE LORD WILL STRIKE DOWN THE VILE SINNER WITH HIS RIGHTEOUS WRATH! AND THE SINNER WILL HIDE BEHIND THE ROCKS, BUT THE LORD WILL TEAR THE ROCKS ASUNDER! AND THE SINNER WILL HIDE BENEATH THE SILENT WATERS, BUT THE LORD WILL PART THE SILENT WATERS WITH A WAVE OF HIS HAND!"

"Flip ME!" exclaimed Shane. "I don't flippin' need this crap today, man. Don't make me shoot!!!" He aimed the pistol vaguely in the general direction of Blunder. A woman screamed. Three cops burst in the door and yelled, "FREEZE!!!! DROP THE WEAPON!" Shane pressed the trigger...quite unintentionally...it was a mere frightened reflex action on his part...Blunder's eyes opened wide in shock....and the gun made a little "Toooot!" sound like one of those party things they blow at New Years, and a little flag came out the end of the barrel with "BANG!" written on it.

Shane grinned apologetically, spread his hands deprecatingly, looked around at everyone and said..."April Fools, eh? It's just a joke gun. See? See the 'Bang' flag? See?"

And then the three cops landed on him like the Cleveland linebackers.

Poor Shane. He meant no harm. But no one thought it was funny. Officer Walsh says he's lucky he didn't get shot. He will go up before the judge on Monday.