Found at Bill Hanks' web site - Click to play an mp3 file. Here's my transcription:


THE LOVELY ASPIDISTRA IN THE OLD ART POT
Words and music by Harris Weston, ©1930.
As sung by Gracie Fields

When Ma was newly wed, a gypsy came round to the door
With a little aspidistra in a pot.
Said 'e, "Give me a pair o' trousers, missus, and it's yours."
So Ma gave 'im Father's trousers on the spot.
It's years ago since Mother gave away Pa's only pair,
An' Pa's never worked since, but dear Mother doesn't care.

CHORUS: We've a lovely aspidistra in the old art pot,
Old art pot, old art pot.
It's better than any garden that the swells have got,
The lovely aspidistra in the old art pot.

When Pa heard that Ma had swapped 'is trousers,
'E shouted, "They're the only pair I've got!
How the deuce can I go out?
Do you think I'd walk about
In your lovely aspidistra or your old art pot?"

Ma worships that old aspidistra mornin', noon an' night.
She'll wash each little leaf so tenderly.
She'll water it an' say, "Now, Aspy dear, are you all right?"
An' take it up each mornin' a cup o' tea.
An' when she's feelin' bilious, she'll say, "When I'm put to rest,
Don't buy a monument for me. All I want on me chest

CHORUS: "Is a lovely aspidistra...."

They do say Adam used to wear a fig leaf,
But Mother says she's certain 'e did not.
She declares it's 'er belief
Adam used to wear a leaf
From the lovely aspidistra in the old art pot.

SPOKEN: You know I can't see anything in these aspidistras. I think they're plain things. Now, me gran'm'er always 'ad an aspidistra, but she used to stuff 'em up with some fancy paper flowers, an' then when she went out, she used to stick the flowers in 'er bonnet. Always looked nice.

At times when it's lookin' sad an' peevish,
Ma waters it with whiskey, just a tot.
When the worms come up to sing,
Mother lassos 'em with string
From the lovely aspidistra in the old art pot.