Dr. Doolittle's Answering Macine Message
by Alex "Mousethief" Riggle

Thank you for calling Dr. Doolittle
We're sorry he can't take your call
The doctor is out of the office today
And probably will be all Fall.

First he's off to Xinjiang, China
We hope you'll wish him luck
They've thought up a new, clever way
To fatten Peking Duck

They want him to train their birdies
To eat their locust pests
One million strong they'll march to war
Then march back to their nests

Then he's flying out to Paris
Where monkeys are running loose
They jump on ladies' bonnets
And bite them in the caboose

They French hope he will stop them
We're really not sure how
But just to be safe, he's bringing a case
Of Purina Monkey Chow

Then he's off by train to the Alps
Where pigs are raising hell
They breed like rabbits on Viagra
They're rude and greedy, and smell.

Of course the French are used to that
This is a tourist region
But American tourists come in small groups
And not in a porcine legion

Then the doctor flies back to the states
To Florida, where windshield wipers
Can't clean off the fruit that monkeys hurl
There's jealousy among the snipers

They're hoping the doctor can make 'em stop
And I don't think he'll refuse to
And once he's done they'll go back to their guns
Like the people there are used to

So we're sorry the doctor can't take your call
But you see how very busy he's been
But he'll return your call if you leave your name
--If he ever gets back here again.

©2000 Alex E. Riggle. All Rights Reserved.