The best one I ever heard was from Arte Johnson, as "Tyrone", the dirty old man, on the Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In TV show of yore.

After making two passes at Ruth Buzzi, as "Gladys", and being clobbered both times, he says to himself, "Screw it, I'm gonna go home, jerk off, and come on my autographed picture of Teresa Brewer".

Obviously, it never made it past the censors, but was later released on an "outtakes" collection.