You can hear this at YouTube. This is my transcription:


MY WIFE IS ON A DIET
Words and music by Charles Tobias and George J Bennett, 1929.
As recorded by Leslie Sarony with Harry Hudson's Melody Men, 1929.

What's the greatest problem now throughout the land?
What's the only problem needs a helping hand?
It isn't Philip Snowden or tax relief, I find.
It's something more important now on everybody's mind.
Just walk into any home today,
It's ten to one you'll hear each husband say:

My wife is on a diet,
And since she's on a diet,
Home isn't home any more.
No gravy and potatoes,
Just lettuce and tomatoes.
Where are the pies I adore?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, what a disgrace!
I'm ashamed to look a grapefruit straight in the face.
My wife is on a diet,
And since she's on a diet,
I'm losing a pound every day.

Monday, grapefruit, breakfast and for dinner,
And a pint of orange juice.
Tuesday, grapefruit. Boys, I'm growing thinner.
All my clothes are getting loose.
Wednesday, Thursday, I feel satisfied.
Then I change to coffee with grapefruit on the side.
Friday through Sunday, it's more than I can stand.
Before the eighteenth day I'll have a lily in my hand.

My wife is on a diet,
And since she's on a diet,
Home isn't home any more.
No gravy and potatoes,
Just lettuce and tomatoes.
Where are the pies I adore?
Crabs and shrimps I must leave alone.
I'm the only lobster she'll allow in my home.
My wife is on a diet,
And since she's on a diet,
She's gaining a pound every day.

Oh, oh, oh, she's driving me wild!
One look at her onions and I cry like a child.

[Also recorded by Al Katz & His Kittens, Billy Murray & Walter Scanlan, Eddie Cantor, The Hoosier Hotshots, Jack Kaufman, The Six Jumping Jacks, Tommy Handley, and Jay Whidden.]