Oh, this is a fun one, Bob. Jim did a great job on the transcription, but I found an entirely different "Deacon Jones" recording on Spotify. It's a pretty good recording had trouble understanding part of it [especially the first verse about singin'], but I'll do what I can:

DEACON JONES
As sung by Louis Jordan (March 3, 1944)

[spoken] Fellas, I'm very sorry that Deacon Jones couldn't get here for this session, but he told me to tall all of youse guys to be happy; 'cause when you're happy, that's what counts.

Brothers an' sisters an' sisterettes,
Deacon Jones sends his deepest regrets.
To the members of the flock who are new around here,
There's somethin' 'bout the deacon that I want to make clear:

Now, who's good for sister's singin'? [???] (Deacon Jones!)
That's right, that's right, and who is it that will keep her phone a-ringin'? (Deacon Jones!)
And when she's left all alone at night,
Who is it that will make her see the light?
(Lordy, Lord, hallelujah, Deacon Jones!)

Now, who's loved by all the congregation? (Deacon Jones!)
Mm-hmm, an' who does the sisters come to for consolation? (Deacon Jones!)
Yes, and when a sister's feelin' blue,
Who is it that consoles her in her pew?
(Lordy, Lord, hallelujah, Deacon Jones!)

CHORUS:
Hey, Deacon Jones! (Deacon Jones!)
Oh, Deacon Jones! (Deacon Jones!)
Oh, Lordy, Lord, hallelujah, Deacon Jones!
Oh, Deacon Jones! (Deacon Jones!)
Deacon Jones! (Deacon Jones!)
Oh, Lordy, Lord, hallelujah, Deacon Jones!

Now, who's the country's greatest lover? (Deacon Jones!)
That's right, brother, and who is it that will make all other cats take cover? (Deacon Jones!)
Uh-huh, and when your gal is leavin' you,
Now, tell me, who is she goin' to?
(Lordy, Lord, hallelujah, Deacon Jones!)

Now, who does the sisters pray for? [???] (Deacon Jones!)
Mm-hmm, an' who does all the husbands' labor? (Deacon Jones!)
Mm-hmm, an' when a husband sets a trap,
Who is it that always beats the rap?
(Lordy, Lord, hallelujah, Deacon Jones!)

CHORUS


Album title: Complete Jazz Series, 1943-1945

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Fun, but certainly a lot tamer than what Bob was looking for...

Jo Stafford sang this song with the Pied Pipers, but her version is very tame.