"Real Estate Advertising Terminology"

* Unusual location:- In the path of a projected superhighway.

* Local authority grants available:- About to be condemned.

* Period residence:- Built in the last two years.

* Select neighborhood:- Beside sewage works.

* Compact:- Tiny.

* Country gentleman's residence:-
No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.

* Unusual features:- No roof.

* Delightful rural location:- In flight path of nuclear
bomber base.

* Box room:-
Suitable for accommodating one or two large
cardboard boxes, Folded.

* A wealth of period features:-
Yourself, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit
best operated in insulated gloves and rubber galoshes.

* Quiet secluded setting:- On site of proposed dormitory
town.

* Well situated:- In full view of the neighbors.

* Within easy distance of:-
Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local
amenities.

* Rare opportunity to buy:- No one else wants it.

* For the gardening enthusiast:- Grounds like a jungle.

* Extensively modernized:-
Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.

* Unspoilt:- Zoning permission granted for field next
door.

* Deceptive appearance:- It looks terrible.

* Partial central heating:-
The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.

* Easily maintained:- Requires at least two gardeners and
live-in maid.

* Useful outbuildings:- No inside toilet.

* Much sought after:-
It's been on the market at least twice before and still
no one wants it.

* By private treaty:-
If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve
price.

* Owner eager to sell:-
If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be
noticed.

* Subject to new instructions:-
They have just discovered death watch beetle.

* Sold:- Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.