I have been wishing and praying and hoping and agitating and searching... for a guitar player... to join our Saturday night service music team. The one available was in NO SHAPE and every time he came it was terrible. I could not figure out how to make it better. I really tried. He is in our jam bnad. In that, he does OK, as long as I settle him down, keep him chilled, and put down a real strong beat.

Over the summer our jam band had a meeting. I initiated it during a jam, out on the front porch, where we had started jamming instead of at church. And boy did the porch loosen us up. No one else was showing up to sing along anyway, so screw that! Be comfy! New people can come to our porch! When the cold weather comes they'll have to tolerate smelly catboxes, that's all! (And that has already begun to happen too.)

During this meeting I expressed what I saw happening, that they would all come play for a benefit or similar big thing, but what about Saturday nights? Could they come, or find people who would? See, the sticking point for some was, "But Susan, it's church, I dunno how I FEEL about CHURCH...." One said, "Well, maybe I could try it..." But he was the one who was not working out when he did come... impasse... I made it clear we were after serious quality, now, not just fun, and we'd have to work differently for this... he was gonna think it over...

I took the summer off from that service. Church regulars played piano in a kind of quiet way. I was told that the lively autoharp and silly Susan were missed. OK... but I need a GUITAR.... I wasn;t going to do it anymore, without.

We asked everyone, we even leafletted the nearby university. Nope.

Meantime this guy-- and he is seriously challenged on several fronts, it's very complicated, and I adore him, we are great friends when he follows the beat or we are just hanging out--- he had started bugging Hardi, when are you gonna call me to come play????

Last night we had him come way early. Artsy D Lemur and I had begun picking out the night's tunes and warming up, and he arrived. We spontaeously went into silly mode and played and laughed for awhile and then got down to biz-- AND IT WAS GREAT. He had decided to really DO this. He even sang! He's paranoid and shy too! I mean for real! But he not only played, he sang????? Artsy D and I sang like a team, cuz I wasn't too focused on being the only player! For an offertory I didn't even play, he did, and I could just SING with her! I wasn't shy anynore! I was flying!

We sounded like so much LIFE! See, we have been approiximating it, but just falling short, and I have known it and everyone else has been telling me how great it is-- but we know when it isn't quite right, don't we really???

The other HUGE help was that crazy hymn thread I started, which has been mushrooming all OVER the place. The sense of support. I had no idea. I'm so excited to do ALL of them our wacky way, that nothing we did last night to prep seemed hard. And Artsy D was so inspired by the atmosphere that she gave up her prissy, head-voiced cute thing and SANG, full out, in her glorious contralto! And I got to blend instead of cringe! Ohhhh!!!!

I asked my new guitarist, what made this different? Cuz it was, and no sense pussyfooting. I knew one reason was because he had decided to DO this, and also knew he NEEDED to be in church. He said, "Must be the drugs! See, they adjusted my meds, plus with this foot thing, I'm on a lot of pain meds too right now, and I feel pretty good." He grinned. Such a wacko. Turns out he has a houseful of hymns he's been writing, too shy to share in our jams.

I have worked damn hard to lead this jam group in such a fashion that they have overcome a million other little blockages, to just let it out, and me too-- we had gone farther than they thought we could, too-- but I actually did not think this day would come. I was so wrong. I didn't have aware faith. I had to trely on unaware faith and my own stubbornness, until that gave way too.

Know what did it really? I had a little chat with God. He said, girl, you been bugging me for a guitar player, how about you try the one I gave you?" I just didn't realize He had been working on my friend as hard as He had been working one me. (Why do we never see this? Duh!)

Thanks for listening. Some of you have been listening to me for a long time now while I been so dumb. I sure appreciate it, sheesh!

Got anything similar? Post it!!

~Susan