I'm supposed to have self-esteem and self-doubt problems?

Nah. If I had them things I'd have to have y'all worship and praise me, which ain't the case at all. Shucks, I don't even ask for a tithe or your first-born or anything like that. Of course, if you do feel like sending money I won't refuse it, but it's not required.

More Verses:

Trained to fly the wide world o'er
To knock down roofs and kick in doors
Leaving presents on the ground
Santa's hay gives scours all around.

Knee-deep in poop a young child stands
Searching for presents with its hands
An unneeded job, if Claus would spend
Some hoarded cash on reindeer Depends.