"Disturbance"

One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with
a black eye. She told the sergeant she heard a noise in her back
yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew,
she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he
returned a half hour later with a black eye as well.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No sir," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."


-------
"In Bad Shape"

A man to his doctor. He said he was in bad shape.
He reported that he constantly gasped for breath
and his eyes bulged. The doctors observed and tested
him, and found that he constantly gasped for breath
and his eyes bulged tremendously. They told him--
guess what--that he was in bad shape. They didn't give
him long to live. He decided to live it up.

Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went
on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most
expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out
a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen.

The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen.
You need a sixteen."

The man said, "I know my size. I want the shirt collars
in a fourteen."

The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn
you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your
eyes will bulge."