The following transcription comes from the sheet music which you can see at the University of Mississippi web site. Billy Jones & Ernest Hare (The Happiness Boys) stick pretty close to the original words, but they change the order of the verses and change a line here and there.


THAT'S A LOT OF BUNK
Words and music by Al Wilson, James A. Brennan, and Mack Henshaw.
New York: Edward B. Marks Music Co., ©1923.

VERSE 1: "Don't believe a thing you hear, nor half of what you see,"
Mother always said to me when I was a kid of three.
Now I know that she was right, right in ev'ry way.
In the papers ev'ryday, here's what the headlines say:

CHORUS 1: Chorus girls are darn good cooks.
That's a lot of bunk.
And they love to read good books.
That's a lot of bunk.
Two girls took two boys in their car.
When they got out pretty far,
The boys said, "Stop or we'll tell Ma."
That's a lot of bunk.
Father get the hammer. There's a fly on baby's head.

VERSE 2: This fool song has got no sense, when all is said and done,
But I think it's lots of fun, and I've only just begun.
Now I hope the audience won't think I'm a bore,
And I hope they won't get sore, 'cause I'm gonna sing some more.

CHORUS 2: Taxi drivers never cheat.
That's a lot of bunk.
Cops are always on their beat.
That's a lot of bunk.
I took a showgirl out with me,
Dined at Cafe de Paris.
She said, "I'll just have cake and tea."
That's a lot of bunk.
She knocked my apartment, and so I knocked her flat.

CHORUS 3: Waiters never take a tip.
That's a lot of bunk.
Car conductors never gyp.
That's a lot of bunk.
Why only just the other day
I phoned two thousand miles, and say,
I got my number right away.
That's a lot of bunk.
Was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.

CHORUS 4: My landlord's a poor old gent.
That's a lot of bunk.
And he's never raised the rent.
That's a lot of bunk.
The cats in all the yards, oh, my!
They sing so sweet; they sing so high,
I love to hear their lullaby.
That's a lot of bunk.
We got a goat without any nose but, gosh, how he can smell!

CHORUS 5: Everybody loves to die.
That's a lot of bunk.
Little babies never cry.
That's a lot of bunk.
I met a tramp whose funds were low.
I listened to his tale of woe,
And said, "Poor man, take all my dough."
That's a lot of bunk.
Throw a sponge in water, then you'll see something swell.

CHORUS 6: Actors lead an awful life.
That's a lot of bunk.
Every man's true to his wife.
That's a lot of bunk.
The soldiers fought for you and me.
They fought for our liberty.
They'll get their bonus; wait and see.
That's a lot of bunk.
Automobiles come from China, because they go "Hong Kong."