"How to Dump a Man"

Dear ________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated
from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified
candidates such as yourself also failed to make the
final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file
should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the
following reason(s) you were disqualified from the
competition.

Check those that apply...

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't
imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting
my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not
something I can picture myself yelling out in a
fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has
left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants
a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms
by the truckload" indicates that you may be
interested in me for something other than my
personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked
you 20 questions about yourself before you asked
me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO
much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would
inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck
condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily
unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned
reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is
unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often
in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I did enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe
of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me
to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait
that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight.
If you should however, happen to gain the necessary
17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your
overnight bag were really necessary for a successful
business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
Cruella de Ville