Ah John - 'tis easy now... Having established that a crap is imminent and that the section of the test kit is dated and ready to receive the smear:

1. grab a handful of toilet paper
2. lean forward
3. catch the first plop on the paper
4. deposit package on paper on a nearby surface
5. complete the rest of the jobbie
6. wipe bum
7. do smears on to the test kit with spatulas and seal kit section
8. pop test plop into lav
9. wipe spatulas, wrap in paper and deposit in waste bin
10.flush lav and wash all round

Repeat twice more on different occasions - humming a happy, reassuring "I know I am, I'm sure I am, C.R.A.P.P.Y." Post completed kit in special envelope.

On a serious note, a couple I know each received a kit some months ago. He completed his in no time but she refused to do it - was revolted at the thought of anything to do with turds - and he got quite angry with her. Silly really.