The Mudcat Café TM
Thread #83915   Message #3244106
Posted By: Nigel Parsons
24-Oct-11 - 04:18 PM
Thread Name: The Wiser Maid (please critique!)
Subject: RE: The Wiser Maid (please critique!)
Doubtless this is now in its finished form, and I've only just seen the thread.
Had I got in sooner I would have made a couple of suggestions. And, not being backward in coming forward, I'll still put them:
"O, you are not the first to ask, neither the first refused;
The secong half of this line seems at odds with the stresses in other verses. Maybe "nor first to be refused". And if that was the case, the 'neither' (which I don't like in a second clause, having been brought up with "either/or & neither/nor") could migrate to the first half of the line:
"O, you are neither first to ask, nor first to be refused;"

I bent my lips down to his ear and sweetly answered, "No."
'Sweetly answered'? this isn't in keeping with her following words & temper. I would have replaced 'sweetly' with 'sourly', but the sound is wrong. How about "sternly answered 'No!'"?

But there again, why meddle with what is an excellent song?

I got pleasure just from reading!