Don't sit in front of me if you're over five foot nine. If you do sit in front of me, whatever your height, if you're bald just check that I haven't brought a felt-tip pen with me.

Many moons ago I attended a concert in the Albert Hall at which Yehudi Menuhin played the Brahms concerto. From the beginning to the end of the performance, a chap sitting across the aisle from me and slightly in front jangled the bunch of keys in his trouser pocket very loudly. So keep your hands high at all times.