"What should you not do at concerts?"

Well, some of the concerts I've been to, I'd say the answer to that is never let on your on enjoying the music.

Do NOT sit there with a sloppy smile on your face, nor sway to the music, NEVER dance to it, for that is a hanging offence...Do not move your face, stare straight ahead and listen for any bum notes, which can be discussed in detail later, when pulling apart said artist/s

NEVER forget your knitting, or indeed, your ear plugs, your magazines, or newspapers and NEVER sit in the back if partaking of these indulgences/obsessions, for one must always sit in the front row, to give the maximum message to the performer, who may have travelled hundreds of miles to sing and share his songs for and with you, that he is really *not* that important at all, and 'just another performer' after all, who's nowhere near as good as you, or your pals.

Never cough quietly, nor sniff softly, nor snort in a whisper.

Never sing along in tune, and indeed, never clap on the beat....

Never get dressed up. NEVER put make up on!!!!   Never wink at the performer, nor smile at male members of the audience. (make of that what you will)

NEVER wear your Show of Hands nightie to the concert, unless covered by a very long and shapeless grey jersey dress, which you knitted during your last Oysterband concert, which you never got to hear because you HAD to put your ear plugs in for that one, and you NEVER got to even see them either, due to the Raucous Ninnies (as you would choose to call them) who had the bloody audacity to not only DANCE, but LEAP up and down, en masse, so carried away were they with happiness and excitement over, what you overheard one of them say was some of the best bloody music in the universe!

NEVER go "Tut Tut!" in a voice that does not fill the room. This also goes for sighing when you are bored beyond endurance.

NEVER forget that to be a member of Cadavers R Us is vitally important at all times, and therefore, ANY display of emotion, or movement, indeed, even the tapping of feet or fingers is VERBOTEN at all times, for you are being watched!!


And NEVER do what a dear ol' lady did once at a superb gig of a Mudcat member, who, during the interval tapped me on the shoulder, from where she was sitting behind me and say "My dear, I just wanted to tell you, I saw you dancing in your seat and....and....it reminded me of when I was young!!"   Then she smiled, such a sad smile....as her elderly husband, who would have been old at 17 I've no doubt trotted to the bar, whilst walking in front of us, in the front row, stopping to *stare* hard at my children for a few moments...in disbelief that they'd obviously allowed children in, in the first place....

I think he could 'smell' them, like Roald Dahl's Witches... ;0)

Anyway, if you keep to the above rules and regulations, you *should* be pretty safe, but....not always, for folk music is a dangerous thing to love and the weirdest things can happen if you dare to 'let go' at a concert...