Or - from the sublime to the ridiculous
Jim Carroll

Toon O' Kelso

It was in the toon o' Kelso
A lovely woman did dwell
She loved her husband dearly
But another man twice as well
Singin, fal di la lairly, fal di la lairy, fal di la lairy, an

She went doon tae the chemist's shop
Some medicine for tae buy
For she had resolved in her ain mind
That her auld man should die

She bought a dozen marrow bones
And she's ground them up right sma'
And before he'd eaten the half o' them
He couldnae see ony at a'

Im tired o' my life he cried
I'm tired o' my life
I think I'll awa' and drown myself
And that will end this strife

So down the street together they went
She whistled and she sang
Oh my husbands going to drown himself
I'll help tae push him in

Well doon the street together they went
Til they came to the waters brim
Said he, You'll take a great long race
To help to ding me in

So she went back a great lang race
Tae help tae ding him in
But the cunning old bugger he jumped aside
And she gaed tumblin' in

Oh save ma life, oh save ma life
Oh save me when I call
Oh how can I save your life
When I canna see ony at a'

Well she swam up and she swam doon
Til she cam tae the waters brim
But the cunning old man he got a long stick
And he poked her further in

Ye jaud, ye jaud, ye silly auld jaud
Ye thought ye had me blind
But I'll gae whistlin' hame again
And another wife I'll find