ALthough I usually have people around at Christmas, three of my favorite memories come from very 'solitary' moments:

The first was one Christmas eve when I was 5 yrs old, and on a late night trip to my grandparents...I can still remember laying in the back seat of our car and looking up into the night sky--it seemed to my little eyes to be magically clear and bright, and all the Christmas stories I'd heard from different traditions seemed to play themselves out in my head against the starry backdrop. Nothing particularly deep or profound, but that night has stood out in my memory for 33 years anyway.

The second was another Christmas Eve, I was sitting in a rocking chair in my living room trying to get my then 3 month old son to sleep...I love Christmas lights (all year round!!) and they were the only light in the room...as I softly sang Christmas Carols and rocked my son, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the awesomeness of the concept of "baby Jesus". That God would choose to allow His only son to become as small and vulnerable as this little one I held, just so He could have all the experiences we have, so God could reveal His love and draw us nearer to Him...it was like a very tender Christmas hug!

The most recent memory is very simple also,the year my boys and I lived in Colorado, my mom and I put the boys into the car for what we hoped would be a calming drive...as we drove up into the mountains near Estes Park, the clouds cleared and the Full Moon shone bright on the mountains... after everyone oooh and awwwed (we were from Kansas and this was our first Christmas in Colorado!) the whole car settled down into an amazing peace, and I was brought full circle back to the night when I was 5 yrs old.

One thing I should mention in all this; each of the memories comes from what I could call the worst times in my life...My parents were on the verge of a messy divorce when I was 5, my son was a fussy and fitful baby due in part to a mom who was living through a very abusive relationship, and my boys and I were in Colorado away from all the rest of our family temporarily because that relationship had finally come to a fiery blow up the month before.

Christmas or not, I have only had magical times in my life when I MADE myself turn away from all the crap life had to dish out and search for the joy..I know it's not easy, but it's worth the effort---it sounds like everyone here is supporting and loving enough that if we all hang together, even tough Holidays can be redeemed, and Carol, just your being willing to share your thoughts and concerns about the holidays says to me that you have what it takes to turn the bad into good!

Here, take a joy bubble:-)