Inspired by a joke that's just now doing the rounds on FaceBook:

Nancy's Emigration (Air: We're bound for Botany Bay)
(You may have to work on it a bit, but the words will fit the tune!)


Poor Nancy, she just couldn't take it,
The stresses severe as could be;
And so she decided she'd end it all:
She'd throw herself into the sea.

She went to the dockyard in Portsmouth
And stood on the edge of the quay;
When young William came up and he said to her,
"Sweet maid, pay attention to me."

"Whatever your sore tribulations,
However depressed you may feel,
Notwithstanding your suicidal tendency,
I beg you to heed this appeal."

"Now, I am a deep-water sailorman,
Trav'lling the Antipodes trip,
And if you'd like to go to Australia
I'll stow you away on my ship."

"You can start afresh when you're Down Under,
And leave all your troubles behind;
And all that I ask is one small relief,
Assuming that you're so inclined."

"You'll live like a queen in the 'tween decks,
Till we anchor in Botany Bay;
You'll eat food and drink wines of the very best,
And each night we will sport and we'll play."

Now, Nancy's unspoken ambition
Involved lifeguards on far Bondi Beach,
And stuff about Ayre's Rock and kangaroos,
Which hitherto had been out of reach.

So she said, "Take me with you, dear William,
My sorrows I'll leave out of sight;
We'll sail the wide seas to the Land of Oz,
And each night will be Willie's delight."

But there's many a slip 'twixt the cup and lip;
And if this sounds too good to be true,
Their idyll was brought to a sudden end,
Just like that, right out of the blue.

'Twas the captain's bi-monthly inspection
Of the vessel from stem unto stern,
In each nook and in most of the crannies;
He examined each one in its turn.

When Nancy he found on the orlop
He enquired in words meek and mild,
"What the blue bloody blazes are you doing here?"
And Nancy politely replied:

"Young William has promised to take me
To the land of the platypus duck,
He said he would hide me and keep me
So long as I'd … trust to my luck."

"All day he'd attend to his duties,
All night we would drink and be merry;"
"Well, I've got some bad news," said the captain;
"This is the Isle of Wight ferry!"

© 2011 Steve Parkes