"That smelly, sticky mess I found in the toilet turned out to be French cheese!" said Tom lugubriously.

"Then they dragged me out of the pub and into a rowing boat, and took me aboard the HMS Victory, where they forced me to be a sailor", he said, impressed.

"It was only when I counted it up that I found the recruiting party had only put elevenpence-ha'penny in my tankard", complained Tom, not the whole shilling.