VT, ignore Rap for a minute. Here's whatcha need.

1) To make the poop (a substance with lotsa names, not all polite) manageable, one must eat a balanced diet with fiber and fruit, and drink eight glasses of liquid per day. This regimen will keep the stool firm yet malleable and pliable. Notice that the ends of the effluence (sometimes called turds by the uncouth) are tapered. That is to prevent the anal orifice (anal sphincter or again from the uncouth, asshole) from slamming shut when one 'does one's business'.

2) My argument against the bidet is this: what about those days when the effluence (we can dispense with the rude words from now on) coats the cheeks of one's gluteus maximus such that it would take hours to wash it off. NO, I say. One needs grass, leaves, paper (non-glossy if possible) to actually wipe the now-offending substance away, else one will smell like effluence. Instead, be prepared to tear off a sleeve or use one's underwear (knickers I think is the British name) to wipe said area, the source of the odor which causes people to move away and upwind.

3) Using the pi ratio, it's easy to see that much of a toilet tissue roll is the thing the paper is wrapped around. Get rid of that, and one can comfortably carry sufficient tissue for a three-episode-bout with said difficulty with little or no difficulty.

4) Sand also works as a wiper, but it has certain drawbacks that need not be elucidated here.

The End