We went for a romantic sunset stroll in the beautiful Peak District national park, not far from where we live. As we climbed over a stile onto the heather we set off clouds of millions of midges that literally went into our eyes n ears, nose, hair, just damned well biting everywhere.

My beloved man turned to me (spitting the beasties from his mouth) to say, "I suppose an outdoor shag* is out of the question then?"


*For those not familiar with UK slang, shag = f**k