At last I've got to the bottom of it. Charlie Clitoris was banned when the festival committee discovered he was planning to moon at the audience while singing Buttock Up Joe.

A sad move and a poor reflection on our native traditions. However, the good news is that the committee has invited a strong Scottish contingent in Charlie's stead. They include:-

Jock Aye The Noo who will be tossing his caber.

Wee Willie MacWinkie who will demonstrate the fingering on his chanter.

The Pipes and Bums of the 69th (Highland Division), who will finally solve the riddle of what's worn under the kilt.

There are also rumours that The Glasgow Awfullest Choir will be putting in an appearance, and there will be an exhibition of live haggis.