I don't have anything close to these to add -- though there was the string band gig when I'd had four wisdom teeth pulled that morning -- so I'll just provide a mythical gig:

        String Band Disaster


A visit from some friends of old was all we had in mind --
A few short hours, a friendly meal, and songs of a homey kind.
That was all we expecting; we thought we had a winner,
But who'd have guessed the uproar when we had that band to dinner?

Chorus:        

'Cause the fiddler, he got drunk and fell into the pool;
The banjo player tried to tell the cook she was a fool.
The guitarist and girl singer wouldn't let their passions cool,
And the bass player took all the solos.


It started well enough, I guess, with beer or drinks and snacks.
The guests were settling down a bit, and starting to relax,
When the band drove in the driveway, and all the trouble started.
It was enough to leave our poor hostess broken-hearted.

Chorus

A musician on the road, of course, is always under stress,
And stress can make the best of us do strange things, I confess;
But this must have been the double-damnedest tour the band had taken,
'Cause by the evening's end, everyone was badly shaken.

Chorus

The music started off just fine, then got a little faster,
But when they turned to bluegrass, they straight-way met disaster.
Each one tried to outperform the others in the band,
And the tempo, pitch and volume went completely out of hand.

Chorus

When the evening ended, and the squad cars had dispersed,
We sat down to ponder who had really been the worst.
The drunk, the lout, the lovers, too, were not to be desired,
But we all agreed the bassman was the one who should be fired.

Chorus

Copyright © 1991, Bob Clayton, Silver Spring, MD All rights reserved.