Oh, dear one, go ahead and grieve, don't worry about the confusion. Sometimes you just have to sit with it. A year ago I too lost a dear friend to cancer. It was unexpected to me, just as to you, and I gave into my grief for a day or two, and still think of him with a pang. Close your eyes right now and feel the huge, warm, understanding hug I'm sending you........ (It's time-delayed, so you'll receive it when you read this- every time you read this! The miracles of the cyber-community!)