Lest we forget.....

Ten Pints of Tetley's
Keith Marsden

Now me and my mate Billy on the same day wed our wives,
And four years later I'd no kids, but Billy, he had five.
He asked me what the secret was, where he was going wrong,
For every time they went to bed, it seemed his wife fell on,
I said "Don't be intemperate in things to do with bed,
Go easy lad, go steady lad, think hard and use your head."
Next day he said "If that's advice, I don't want any more,
I tried to use my head last night, and it made my ear'oles sore."

Oh, Oh, ten pints of Tetley's, a gurt bag of chips,
A gurt juicy woman, with gurt juicy lips,
Sober up in City Square, with three laps around,
Then home on the Paddy bus, with change from a pound.

We had a trip to Blackpool and our coaches numbered two,
I has a pint in every pub, it were a right good do,
At closing time young Billy in the gutter drunk I found,
So I put him on his coach to get him back home safe and sound,
We all got back at midnight, I knocked his mother up,
I said "I've brought your Billy home, he's had to much to sup."
She said "That's very kind, I'm sure - I don't know what to say,
He's gone to Blackpool for his hol's - and he only went today."

A rabbi and a priest once took a boat on Roundhay Park,
The father did the rowing while the rabbi had a lark.
He said "I've left my sandwiches, please Father row no more."
Then he walked across the water till he got back to the shore.
The priest he saw this miracle and not to be outdone,
Stepped out upon the water while the rabbi watched the fun.
The priest sank to the bottom - got drenched to the bone,
Said the rabbi "Father next time - why not use the stepping stones?"

When me and Bill were kids one day a game of war we played,
But the pin came out of Father's war-time souvenir grenade.
We threw it down the garden as if it were red hot,
Where it rolled into the closet where my Dad sat on the pot.
And after the explosion through a dust cloud you could see,
A black-faced, tattered Father hanging smiling from a tree.
"You ask me why I'm smiling lads - it's from relief." he said,
"Your Mother would have killed me if I'd let that go in bed."

I met a girl contortionist from off the Empire bill,
I took her to the Metropole and there we drank our fill.
She said "We'd be much cosier if we went back to my place."
So I took her home and she asked me in with a smile upon her face.
But once inside her bedroom she went back upon her pact,
And tied herself into the knot she used to close her act.
She said "If you can find it Lad, do what you want to do."
I said "Come on Lass, be a sport - fart and give us a clue."