Dear Chongo,

Thank you for your recent advice on setting up a whelk farm on the moors above my house. On reflection, I've decided I really can't be arsed to dig a canal from the sea and so I have decided to keep buying my whelks from the local fishmongers.

I am thinking about keeping one whelk in the manner to which it's become accustomed and teach it to sing cockney pub songs, so it can do a turn when we have people to our jellied-eels evenings.

Cheers me old china!

Sugarfoot Jack