Boy, folks, this is a fascinatin' job. It's great, aside from the few odd stalkers and nutjobs who seem to feel impelled to write me with their delusions and idle threats. Other than that, it's turnin' out to be a far better career than bein' a primate eye.

Okay, I got a few more to answer.

***

Dear Sugarfoot Jack,

Yer plan sounds like a good one to me. Glad to be of help!

- Chongo

***

Dear Anonymous (with drinking problem),

The reason you can't afford drinks is simple. You need a job! Go to yer local unemployment office, check the want ads, try door to door, or just wear a sandwich board that says, "Will work to get drunk!" and stand on yer local street corner. Don't expect much, though, cos I know a Baboon who tried that gambit, and mostly all he got was a lotta smart remarks from passersby. I am not gonna send you money, because I ain't in the business of disempowerin' other people by deprivin' them of the chance to find their own strength, see? Gettin' drunk is a worthy objective that I can understand. All you gotta do is take yer God-given talents and apply them, mister! Capiche? Soon you will have enough money to get absolutely blasted when the weekend rolls around, and yer life will improve by leaps and bounds (specially if you happen to be a Kangaroo).

- Chongo

****

Dear Cathy Ann,

I can sense yer frustration. Yep, the sad thing is that most men really are jerks at that younger age you are alludin' to...or they're pretty clueless. If they like a girl, they start pesterin' her, pullin' her hair, throwin' spitwads at her, and doin' all kinds of gross stuff that makes her really mad or disgusted. Grade 6 boys mostly act like idiots! This is also true of many younger Chimps, I'm sorry to say. They hoot, screech, throw fruit (and sometimes worse stuff), jump around breakin' branches to show how tough they are...it's a wonder they ever make it to adulthood without the females hirin' some older and more experienced ape to take 'em quietly out into the bushes and introduce 'em to the Grim Reaper!

Then ya got the ones who are too shy to even talk to you...

But there is hope on the horizon, Cathy Ann. In time them boys will begin to mature, same as a young Chimp does. Right now they are actin' like they don't need you and like you had cooties or somethin'...but wait. In a few years all that will change, and you'll have 'em totally at yer mercy. They will bring flowers and candy, pay for yer meals and transportation, and end up on their knees beggin' you just for a kiss or a kind look! They'll go to movies they don't even like, just so you will have a good time.

That's when you gotta play yer cards real careful, and find yerself one that is the pick of the crop...and that won't turn from Dr Jeckyl to Mr Hyde after a few short years of marriage.

This takes careful judgement. Take note of how he treats not only YOU, but everyone else too. If he's kind and fair to other people, and not just to you, then he's a keeper. Yessir.

In the meantime, you gotta defend yer rights, have a sense of humor about the situation, and be patient. Yer ship will come in.

- Chongo

****

Dear Ben in the Pen,

Hmm. Yer case is a tricky one, Ben. Some people are actually happier "inside", and you might be one of them. The apparent freedom that lies outside the walls of the Big House, can turn out to be a trap for the unwary con if that is the case. On the other hand, you'll never know if you don't give it a try.

Emergin' after 35 years could be a real shock. Things have deteriorated out here in ways you could hardly imagine. The world, frankly, has gone nuts in my opinion, and it ain't gettin' better.

So you gotta think real careful about what move to make.

One possibilty, though, is...you could do the good behaviour, get released, and try out bein' back in society for awhile. If it don't seem to work, just get yerself in a bit of minor trouble...nothin' too serious...just enough to get yerself back inside the joint. Yer problem will be solved and yer questions answered.

I might add that whatever you do decide to do, make sure it don't hurt no one, cos a Chimp in my job can't go advocatin' antisocial crimes to other people. In other words, don't blow up City Hall or rob the bank or nothin' violent, okay? That would be overkill.

For a career, you could try writin' a book about yer 35 years in the pen, spice it up real good with the wildest stories you can remember or invent, and you may soon be getting paid Big Money on the talk show circuit and get to meet buddies of mine, like Clint, Madonna, and Geraldo.

- Chongo

****

Dear Robert,

Yeah. I think I seen you perform a few months back, and I know watcha mean. Gettin' pretty rough allright!

Since yer talent in the writin' end seems to be real strong, I would move more into that, cos I don't think them vocal chords are ever gonna be young and flexible again. Mind you, William Shatner could never carry a tune AT ALL, and that hasn't stopped him makin' repeated forays into recordin', so why should yer whisky gravel voice stop you? If Tom Waites can torture the world the way he does and get away with it, NO ONE needs to feel embarrassed on account of their vocal flaws...providin' they can write...and you can.

You could try goin' to the crossroads too...if you ain't already done that at some point. But if you did, well, I guess there ain't no 2nd option for that.

Anyways, play to yer strengths. Write another book. Hell, the last one was absolutely great! So I figger it's time for Chronicles, Volume 2...or 3...or whatever. I know you like bein' funny with the numbers sometimes.

- Chongo