Dear Hairy in Moncton,

Yer talkin' about 2 completely different problems there. Okay, first off...the hairy back. I have had trouble with this too. It's pretty freaky wakin' up in the middle of the night with the thought that there are spiders all over yer back, ain't it? I shot the place full of holes the first time it happened, and had to pay a fine for disturbin' the peace, cos they didn't buy my story about the gorillas breakin' in.

Only 1 sensible solution comes to mind. Convince yerself that it ain't spiders at all, but that it's Angelina Jolie, and she is runnin' her fingers gently over yer back hair. This works great. Trust me. (Or if she ain't yer type...just pick whoever is.)

"Should I shave my pubic hair for the ladies?"

Hmm. Depends on which ladies, doesn't it? You gotta choose between priorities here. Seems to me kinda unreasonable for ladies to demand that sorta thing of a man...or men to demand it of women either, but it takes all kinds, right? You gotta decide what matters the most to you, that's all. I blame the modern media for this bizarre obsession with hairless pubes that is sweepin' the nation. It's not natural, and I got no sympathy with it.

- Chongo