I'M A BEAR IN A LADY'S BOUDOIR
As sung by Cliff Edwards (a.k.a. Ukulele Ike) on "Risque Songs of the '20s & '30s: Banned on the Radio"

You may talk about your colleges, fair Harvard and old Yale,
And all the universities whose banners brave the gale,
And all the football heroes, their glory and renown.
I never went to college, but I know I've been to town.

I may not be a football hero,
But I'm a star with the beautiful girls.
You never see me in the thick of a fight,
'Cause I do my scoring mostly at night.
I never tackle any dummies.
I've played the best from near and far.
No, I ain't—no, I'm not a football hero,
But I'm a bear in a lady's boudoir.

They play football on the gridiron,
Where the ground is rough and hard.
I do my playing on a divan.
The ladies all say I'm a triple-threat man.
I never have to call for time-out,
For I'm always up to par.
Oh, I ain't—no, I'm not a football hero,
But I'm a bear in a lady's boudoir.

I never fought for alma mater,
Because she never fought for me.
The boys win a letter for not playing rough.
I should get an alphabet for doing my stuff.
I'm pretty good at center rushing.
That's the place I really star.
Oh, I may not be—I'm not a football hero,
But I'm a dog in a lady's boudoir.

One time I swung into action.
I was rewarded with wild acclaim.
The captain said to me, "You're just a little runt.
As long as you've been playing you've never touched a punt."
When I removed my interference,
The goal was not so very far.
Oh, I ain't—I'm not—I'm not a football hero,
But I'm a l-l-l-lady(?) In a l-l-l-lady's boudoir.