Take a medium sized slow cooker and chop him or her into cubes about 1 inch on a side. (Discard all the fatty and nasty parts.)

Put a pound or so of chopped sweet onions, thickly sliced carrots, and some celery in your crock pot. Put the remains of the slow cooker on top.

Pour in some decent red wine and drink whatever's left. Some good beef stock, if you have any, is worth putting on the market right now.

Turn the crock pot temperature to "Auto Shift" and put the lid on. After an hour or so add some salt, pepper, marjoram, cloves, hot curry powder, sweet paprika, allspice, nutmeg, red pepper flakes, anise, cream of tartar's lips, adobe sauce, eye of bat, mole sauce, some powdered Newt, a sprig of bay leaf, parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.

Stirring constantly, let it simmered, covered, for several more hours. Tell the police that you don't know WHAT happened to the slow cooker.

                        --Jeffrey Dahmer, Friends for Dinner   (Milwaukee:Lector Publishing, 1994).