Friend sent me this when I was down in the dumps.

SWITCHBOARD MESSAGE AT THE MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE

> >> Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.... > >> 1 If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. > >> 2 If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. > >> 3 If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. > >> 4 If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so that we can trace your call. > >> 5 If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. > >> 6 If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. > >> 7 If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. > >> 8 If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. > >> 9 If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. > >>10 If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000 > >>11 If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. > >>12 If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you