DOCTOR FREUD
Words and music by Jack Lawrence and Stan Freeman
As sung by Buddy Hackett in the original cast recording of "I Had a Ball" (1964)

Doctor Freud, Doctor Freud,
Doctor, please don't be annoyed,
But I really saw a vision, yes, I did.
Doctor Freud, Doctor Freud,
With your teachings I have toyed,
Now I've got a funny feeling in my id.

Does it mean that I'm repressing?
Or perhaps I'm retrogressing?
Though I sound an itsy-bitsy idiotic,
How can I dispel a vision
When it isn't television?
Does it mean I'm going schizzy or psychotic?

So all right, so OK,
I know just what you will say:
That my psyche has been playing me a trick.
My psyche, Doctor Freud?
My schmyche, Doctor Freud!
Leave us face it, Doctor Freud: I'm sick.

For after what occurred today,
I'm not too sure about you, Doctor,
Even though you are a name of great renown.
In your teachings, Doctor Freud,
My faith is practically destroyed,
And I don't intend to take it lying down.

You wrote reams of explanations
On all types of aberrations,
Not a word on supernatural hocus-pocus.
Well, take a good look at my case
And hold a ball up to your face,
And give those eyes of yours a big fat focus!

Oh, it lit up again! Aha! So I'm right, maybe?
Ooh! See the lights, huh? Sigmund, baby!
How do you explain a thing like that?
After spending all my youth,
Believing all you said was truth,
Now I find you're just a no-good lying rat.

When in the jug, your fuzzy mug
Was hanging up there on the wall,
Oh, I wouldn't think of hanging any others,
But tomorrow, I'll erase you.
Tomorrow, I'll replace you
And I'll hang up Doctor Joyce Brothers!

Who's afraid of Sigmund Freud, Sigmund Freud?

You're a fraud, Freud!
Yes a fraud, Freud, but I'm not afraid, Freud!
Not afraid 'cause now I've been freed, Freud!
Yes, freed, and I'm not even fried, Freud!
You're a frick-frack and I'm not a flip-flap!
You're a flim-flam and I'm not from Food Fair!
Doctor Freud, your diagnosis is absurd,
And for you I've got one final word:
Help!