Well sex 'n' religion have been the twin obsessions of Catholicism for millennia, of course. No barbed wire underpants under those cassocks, eh! It's all to do with having endless illicit fun whilst pretending to be miserable. Trouble is, this only works for popes and priests. The rest of the flock haven't realised that their superiors are talking up the guilt 'n' misery shit yet hugely enjoying a quietly-prolific sex life. Well I'm proposing, with the goal of making ourselves distinct, to remove the "miserable" bit. I was concerned to hear on BH this morning of the proliferation of "multi-faith prayer rooms" in motorway service areas, hospitals and airports. Bare rooms with a prayer mat, a wooden chair and no windows. Well you're not catching me in one of them! I've taken out a short-term lease on a former janitors' room at Watford Gap in order to set up an experimental "multi-faith-and-none glee shack". There will, of course, be a bar, and I've installed a whole-wall video screen which will show endless funny bits from Airplane, Naked Gun, Blazing Saddles and all the Pink Panther films. Sexual proclivities will be satisfied by the provision of double mattresses on the floor (actually, the room's a touch on the small side, so I'll be encouraging, by the use of eye-catching diagrams, the younger, more virile punters at least to indulge in "standing-up ones" with a mattress leaning against the wall). But privacy will be eschewed: I want everyone to have fun, whether having sex or not! There'll be a special chair in the corner for, ahem, solo action, which might come in "handy" (another Messianic pun there! Bwahahaha!) for lonely old sailors, for example. Now I think I've thought of everything: as it's a motorway service area, and we're having a bar, Dave the Gnome will have to be stationed outside the room as pissed truth-seekers leave, in order to work his wine-into-water miracle on the driver. I do like the bingo concept, don't get me wrong, but we do need other ways of proliferating our infrastructure, and this one's my baby...