THERE WAS A MONK OF GREAT RENOWN

(As sung at St Andrews University, ca. 1959)

1. NARRATOR (sings): There was a monk of great renown, (3x)
                      Who bought a whore for half a crown.

CHORUS
CONGREGATION (speaks): The sod!
                        The dirty sod!
                        The bastard deserves to die.
NARRATOR (speaks): How shall he die?
CONGREGATION (shouts): Fuck him!
                        (After 2. also:) Double-fuck him!
                        (After 3. also:) Triple-fuck him!
                        (After 4. also:) Quadruple-fuck him!
NARRATOR (whispers): Shhhh! Here comes the vicar.
VICAR (speaks): A prayer for those in trouble.
CONGREGATION (shouts): Abortion!
VICAR (speaks): A prayer for the frustrated.
CONGREGATION (shouts): Fuck!
VICAR (speaks): A prayer for the constipated.
CONGREGATION (shouts): Shit!
VICAR (speaks): A prayer for the castrated.
CONGREGATION (shouts): Balls!
VICAR (speaks): Gentlemen! What have we said?
                Let us pray for the soul of Brother Banglestein.
CONGREGATION (sings): Glory, glory, hallelujah!
                      Balls for Brother Banglestein,
                      Banglestein, Banglestein,
                      Balls for Brother Banglestein,
                      Dirty old man!
                      For he keeps us waiting
                      While he's masturbating,
                      So balls for Brother Banglestein,
                      Dirty old man!

2. NARRATOR (sings): His brother monks were so annoyed
                      'Cos with a woman he had toyed,

3.                     They put an end to all his frolics,
                      For with a knife they cut off his ballocks,

4.                     And now, bereft of all desire,
                      He sings soprano in the choir,