"Oil Change Instructions For Women"

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, pay with a credit card
and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
$25.00 for oil change
$2.00 for coffee
Total = $27.00

------------

"Oil Change Instructions For Men"

1) Go to auto parts store and pay with a
credit card for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter,
hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle,
dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for
jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil
on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and
twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with
him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole
in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and
bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because
wrench hit Miss December (2002) in the left boob.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage
as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter
to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving
under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$65.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands:
(hey the colors have to match!!!!)
$3,000.00 Bail
$500.00 Impound and towing fee
$3,690.00 Total

{Well, at least it's under $3,700!}