You've been living down South too long. It doesn't even taste like mushy peas....

On a serious note, that bloody mole has to go. I have put a mole dildo in the ground, buried a sprung trap and tried poisoning the little shit. I haven't tried smoking him out yet but this Sunday, smells and bells it is.

Oh, whilst you are on, co Messiah. How's the scripture coming on?   Are we allowing women to be bingo callers from the outset or after a few dozen synods to allow our misogyny to run riot? Are gay people allowed to buy bingo tickets or must they just watch? There is a compromise we can borrow from the Church of England where they can buy tickets, use a fat felt tip to mark their card but cannot claim prizes.

Really difficult this religion lark. You have to get the superior to others bit just right so you can be the equivalent of an evangelical Anglican or staunch Catholic, rather than a sad old twat.