But but but.... I don't fit into any of those categories! Aren't you going to wish me a "special" Merry Chrimbo?

I've got the mistletoe, bottle of Babycham (or was it baby oil, I forget) and packet of pork scratchings all ready for a celebration of when Santa Claus was nailed to a cross or whatever it is they reckon is behind the annual binge.

I feel a festive song coming on...

Oh!!!!!

Check the balls on that big collie tra la la la laa la la la la.
He gets big when he gets jolly tra la la la laa la la la la.