AP - Reuters

The major advance of US troops into the Canadian central plains provinces has been halted at approximately the line of Canadian Highway 1, less than 100 miles into Canada.

In the early advances, progress was slowed only by giggling fits caused when US officers tried to order their men through towns with names such as Moosoming, Storthoaks, Virden ("like a Virden, touched for the very first time"), Peebles ("Peebles wobble but they don't fall down"), Aneroid, Chortitz, Shaunavon ("Sha, na, na. Sha, na-na, von"), and Manyberries. In addition, navigating through a region where every other town is a Dale, a Valley, a Glen, or a Mountain proved time-consuming.

However, today we have received reports that in Winnipeg, Brandon, Regina, Moose Jaw, Swift Current, and Medicine Hat, the advance of US volunteers -- mostly from the Dakotas, Wyoming, and Colorado -- has been slowed to a crawl by the tactics of crack teams of Canuck bartenders. Fine Canadian beers, so far superior to most common beer from the States, have disabled the vast majority of advancing troops. The entire Wyoming contingent, over 90% of the Dakota brigades, and approximately half of the Colorado forces (the "Coors" Regiments) have been captured completely by such Canadian brews as Sleeman's and Alexander Keith's. Only the so-called "Micro-Brew Boys" of Colorado have thus far evaded capture and continue to wreck havoc on the Canadian bartenders. One captured barkeep was heard to marvel, "I didn't think any of those Yanks could drink like that."

The western and eastern ends of the advance had already encountered delays. The Montana forces, originally tasked with capturing Calgary by today, have not yet crossed the border. Rumor from behind the lines suggests that the herds are taken abaaack by the distance to be covered and that the shepherds refuse to doff their special sheep boots. In the east, the Minnesotans well-known reluctance to "cause a fuss" has Minnesota forces visiting relatives in Sprague. General Olerud, commanding the Minnesota Irregulars, gave the following brief statement: "Well, we don't want to just show up on their doorstep now, do we? What if no one's home? Then we will have gone all that way for nothing. But we could always go visit those Nillsens over there in Badger."

In Michigan, fighting remains hot. Detroit has changed hands at least five times. Observers estimate that as much as $10,000,000 of improvements has been done. According to our best information from the war-torn city, Canadian forces successfully pushed back the Michigan Army Reserve, leaving the city again in US hands. Mobs of civilians have been seen fighting on the city's many bridges, screaming, "You take it!" "No, YOU take it!"

An attack by British Columbia forces on Seattle was repelled decisively by thousands of Redmond residents waving CDs of Windows Me. The British Columbians were utterly routed and have not yet regrouped.

In other news, Mexico was drawn briefly into the war when brave California troops made a daring, daylight, surfboard attack on Cabo San Lucas. However, when officials of the Mexican city, under a flag of truce, pointed out that the US and Mexico are not at war, Biff, Big Kahuna of the California VERY Irregulars, said, "Whooooa, dude! So, wow man! Let's party!"

Sorry, folks. Just couldn't resist *G*

BB,
NightWing