THE NEW POLICEMEN        (1968)
'THE YARD LETS ITS HAIR DOWN. Teams of suitably young Scotland Yard detectives will emerge on the Sunday demonstration deliberately unshaven, dirty and wild-eyed ... They will defiantly flaunt unbeautiful beatnik gear and set about blending into the jumbo jamboree of anti-American demonstrators in Trafalgar Square ... It will be an unrivalled opportunity to identify and label for future reference many of the uneasy strangers in our midst.' (The Daily Mirror, March 15 1968)

This song was written for the 1968_ Festival of Fools and was sung by two 'policemen', one a rookie and the other a seasoned veteran.


tune: traditional English ('I Should Like to Be a Policeman')
new words and trad arr: Ewan MacColl
© 1968 Stormking Music, Inc.

The Chief Commissioners at the Yard have been in consultation,
And they've decided that the force needs re-orientation;
New regulations call for all to start their whiskers growing,
For a beard, indeed, is a friend in need when the winds of change are blowing.

Chorus:
The emphasis has moved away from the well-known criminal classes;
It's students we must watch today and the ones they call 'The Masses'.

Important people sometimes speak to us in friendly voices,
Addressing us as 'Officer' when entering Rolls Royces.
But we would forfeit things like that if we wore jeans and sweaters.
Surely it's enough reward to know we're working for our betters. (chorus)

For thirty years I've trod this beat, maintaining law and order,
From Berkeley Square to Glasshouse Street, right up to the Soho Border;
I know the screwsmen, cons and crimps, and many a little beauty
Has given me the odd slice off the joint while doing me course of duty.                                 
(chorus)

At Hendon they impressed on us the need for adaptation;
The enemy now comprises nine-tenths of the population.
There's nothing new in that! You don't need beards and overalls, man,
To give the knee to the citizenry in the old orchestra stalls, man. (chorus)

They teach us now to deal with crowds so that the press won't hammer us.
Just knee some bastard in the crotch while smiling at the cameras.
You've got to watch your step these days when the TV boys are shooting.
Just use some guile, give a great big smile while putting the good old boot in.                                 
(chorus)


You must admit that times are changed. You cannot help agreeing
It would be a great advantage if we looked like human beings.
I don't agree, take it from me, nothing could be absurder!
For a man adorned by a uniform can get away with murder.

You can keep your scientific ways, your double-talk and disguises,
The old way's good enough for me and full of nice surprises.
What's better than to creep up on a couple in doorway or in shelter,
And flash your light and watch the fright in the eyes of a hot young belter?
(chorus)

To safeguard property and those who own it is our function.
Agreed! That's why you need a uniform, likewise a truncheon.
To beat a bloke insensible needs no sophistication.
You're behind the times! A bashing now is called 'a confrontation'.

And yet, for all you say, the new way has its compensations.
There's bags of scope for blokes like us on these here demonstrations.
There's heads to smash and birds to bash for extra satisfaction,
And Callaghan hands out compliments at the end of all the action. (chorus)


The New Policeman