Re: kids
---Mom, make him stop doing that.
---The quarter grade doesn't matter because it doesn't show up on my transcript.
---We need to have a talk about your son.

Re: work
---I need to see you in my office. Now.
---Remember me? Remember that program you wrote for me 2 years ago?
---All the regular Monday data files were bad. I re-ran it and it should be okay now. Re-run all your regular weekly programs.

Re: spouse
---I'll be working late.
---It's just a scratch.
---I don't want to be married to you anymore. (this one really sucks -- take my word for it!)

Re: eating out
---Sir, the cook says we're out of that too.
---Here's your--oops!
---If I told you what it was you wouldn't want to eat it.

Re: the men in blue
---Ordinarily I'd just give you a warning but...
---Sir, we have your son in custody...
---I regret to inform you... (may I *never* hear this one!)

Re: radio traffic reports
---Major blocking accidents on all southbound routes
---And now the weather (after not mentioning any of my possible routes!)
---If you're in that traffic jam on I-5 south of Midway, be prepared to wait a long time...

Alex