BANG WENT THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME
Words and music by Sax Rohmer, 1908.
As recorded by George Robey

Now my old aunt Rebecca is rich.
She's the Dowager Duchess of Diddle.
When she dies, I inherit a million or so,
But the old girl's a fit as a fiddle.
Whilst gunning the moors on the twelfth,
In a quiet lonely spot by the sea,
I saw someone there
By the cliffs, I declare.
'Twas the Dowager Duchess of D.
At that critical moment, some birds came in sight,
So I upped with gun and I blazed left and right,
And I nearly hit auntie, yes, nearly, not quite,
And bang went the chance of a lifetime.

Returning one night from a ball,
In a mellowish mood and reflective,
I saw a strange light in a bank; I said "Ha!
I'll play Sherlock Holmes, the detective."
A half-open window I spied
And inside I proceeded to slip,
When a burglar I saw
Forcing wide the safe door,
So I held him in muscular grip
But he slipped and he bunked; he was wiry and thin,
And the safe was wide open, slap full of tin.
I drew a deep breath, then six p'licemen rushed in,
And bang went the chance of a lifetime.

Once I courted a sweet winsome maid.
She was nineteen and also an heiress.
It's nice when a girl is a Venus Milo,
And also a millionairess.
I wooed her; I wooed her; I won. Wow! Wow!
"My darling," she said, "I am thine."
She swore she'd be true,
So I thought I would too.
What do you think? I thought it was fine.
My sweet Hyacinth, fairest of flowers that blow,
With a millionaire pa in Chicago, what ho!
So I put up the banns, then the wife got to know,
And bang went the chance of a lifetime.

Now the wife and her mother last June
Went to stay with the Marquess De Caxey
They decided to go by the eight-forty-five,
So I saw them safe off in a taxi.
But somewhere about ten o'clock,
Came a telegram; heavens alive!
Poor dear Ma and the wife!
Fearful smash; loss of life!
Total wreck of the eight-forty-five!
'Twas a terrible smash; eighty passengers slain,
And I manfully struggled my tears to restrain,
When the ghastly news reached me: they'd both missed the train,
And bang went the chance of a lifetime.